i’m so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears
and if you have to leave, i wish that you would just leave
your presence still lingers here, and it won’t leave me alone
these wounds won’t seem to heal, this pain is just too real
there’s just so much that time cannot erase
there’s just so much that time cannot erase, how true.
day6 at the office and the mentor is not around, the boss is not around so essentially i really have nothing to do. checked the boss’ email, checked my email, did my quotations, printed and stamped everything within the first hour of work while facebooking and twittering. “quarreled” with the boy for most of the morning while worrying about the thing we were “arguing” (for lack of better words) about and yet got all my work done. sigh, is there really no job that will pose a challenge to me? guess if i do get chosen for the FFF DJbootcamp and figure out that i’m good enough, i’ll start establishing myself as a DJ. i even thought of my stage name already (yes, i’ve thought that far).
i think because i had a lot of time plus the argument with the boy, i’ve been thinking about a lot of things in my life. and from what i know right now, i have a lot of goals, i have a lot of plans (many of which are still in the planning stage), i have many ideas, i have many wants, and my life to a lot of the average person/younger people looks like it’s all in order. to a large extent, it is. but i myself know that there’s still a lot of choas that needs to be settled, a lot of conflicts that need to be looked at, a lot of issues that have to be resolved.
i know there’s a lot of issues that aren’t really relevant to my life anymore, but sometimes even time cannot erase the shadows that it leaves, and sometimes it comes back to haunt you because you fall into the same trap again and again, and again because the issues at hand isn’t resolved. i need to start resolving these one by one. yes, a “tortured soul” makes better artistic stuff and that’s probably where my inspiration for dance and music has been coming a lot of the time, but sometimes to move on to greater things, you gotta let go of all the backlog and just keep those emotions for inspirational purposes ONLY.
i have dreams, goals and plans. and as i’m starting to work on them even more, even harder, i’ve got to also start letting go of the past and not let it hold me back. wants to become a DJ. wants to climb Mt. Everest. wants to start my own company/restaurant/bar/club. wants to do my Masters. this is it quelyn, this is the turning point that you need to stop at and TURN. turn back time, emotions, thoughts and start resolving them. i wish i had someone to go through all this with me, to help me through, but sometimes even the people in your life cannot be there for you for these kind of things. and all you have is right here, right now and yourself.
this journey, let’s go.
there will be issues and people that will still be immortal,
but i need to make sure they don’t become walls that block my potential.