Monthly Archives: August 2012

short term, long term.

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close to 24hours. think it’s time to close another chapter of life, my life. i guess i’ve been closing too many chapters this year. and just fyi my dear readers, what i mean by closing chapters is what happens when someone leaves my life (whether because they’ve passed on or because they’ve walked away/out of my life) or when a certain event or period of my life comes to an end (like, a graduation). today, i think i’ll be closing a chapter that’s barely started, but i don’t want to be hurt or disappointed anymore, so i’d rather close this chapter for now. maybe in the future, i might open it, maybe. or maybe that person involved might open a new chapter for us. but for now, i’m closing it. just like how i closed that chapter with Z, i think it’s time to close the chapter with V. 

260812; short term, long term goals. 

i think i’ve mostly got it into my mind that i want to scale Mt. Everest. it started a few months ago when i started dreaming of scaling mountains, and obviously the most publicized one is Everest. for some reason, i’ve decided that i want to scale that summit by 30, so here i go. dream/goal Everest30, that’s what i’m going to blog it as. of course, during the next 7 years, i’m definitely going to start training and climbing other mountains as well.

as i research on the climb towards Everest right now, i think what i can work on NOW at this very moment is my fitness, and that’s where i’m starting. i need to make sure or rather, plan out my workout schedule. i don’t want to overstretch myself for now because other than dance, i haven’t really had any physical trainings. i’m not in a good condition, my ankle still hurts, and my diet is slowly getting better, but it’s still junked up. there’s so many things that i need to change/alter and it’s gotta start somewhere here and now. i’m cleaning out my diet, slowly but surely. i’m starting on my fitness, also slowly but surely. 

but other than the 7years, i’ve got exactly 100days to get into a lot better a shape for zoukout. it’s gonna be 3days (or so i heard) of partying with a hopefully awesome lineup. i have no idea how 3days of partyin is going to go about, but i’m slowly getting ready for it. and in this 100days, i’m going to try and lose another 5kgs at least. abs, well that’s gotta wait for next year. so short term goal’s gonna definitely be getting into shape for zoukout so that i can buy that well deserved new bikini. my old one’s getting quite worn out already. 

quelyn, we’re closing a chapter and starting a new one today. 
don’t be sad, don’t be disappointed. focus.

2231.16calories.

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according to my estimated BMR calculated through the Harris Benedict formula x 1.2, 2231.16 calories is my total daily energy expenditure with a sedentary lifestyle, which i guess is kind of what i have right now. i walk to and from the mrt station everyday before and after work, go for dance class once a week and that’s kinda about it for now. yes, sometimes there’s capoiera and now there’s like crossfit. but that’s not enough for weight loss. so i’ve been cutting back on food instead, but that hasn’t turned out to be an awesome idea because i end up eating more on the weekends though that’s the time that i actually workout more. i guess that’s what’s been accounting for my subtle weight loss the last few weeks. 

on a different note, V left me with a curt “sorry, i’m busy” and hasn’t texted since last night. yeah, just last night and i’m already beating myself all over about it. not a good thing, not a good thing at all. quelyn, you gotta stop being stupid. yeah, you’re being really stupid. if he’s for you, he’ll be back sooner or later. gotta stop beating myself over it. 

My Immortal

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i’m so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears
and if you have to leave, i wish that you would just leave
your presence still lingers here, and it won’t leave me alone

these wounds won’t seem to heal, this pain is just too real
there’s just so much that time cannot erase

there’s just so much that time cannot erase, how true.

day6 at the office and the mentor is not around, the boss is not around so essentially i really have nothing to do. checked the boss’ email, checked my email, did my quotations, printed and stamped everything within the first hour of work while facebooking and twittering. “quarreled” with the boy for most of the morning while worrying about the thing we were “arguing” (for lack of better words) about and yet got all my work done. sigh, is there really no job that will pose a challenge to me? guess if i do get chosen for the FFF DJbootcamp and figure out that i’m good enough, i’ll start establishing myself as a DJ. i even thought of my stage name already (yes, i’ve thought that far).

i think because i had a lot of time plus the argument with the boy, i’ve been thinking about a lot of things in my life. and from what i know right now, i have a lot of goals, i have a lot of plans (many of which are still in the planning stage), i have many ideas, i have many wants, and my life to a lot of the average person/younger people looks like it’s all in order. to a large extent, it is. but i myself know that there’s still a lot of choas that needs to be settled, a lot of conflicts that need to be looked at, a lot of issues that have to be resolved.

i know there’s a lot of issues that aren’t really relevant to my life anymore, but sometimes even time cannot erase the shadows that it leaves, and sometimes it comes back to haunt you because you fall into the same trap again and again, and again because the issues at hand isn’t resolved. i need to start resolving these one by one. yes, a “tortured soul” makes better artistic stuff and that’s probably where my inspiration for dance and music has been coming a lot of the time, but sometimes to move on to greater things, you gotta let go of all the backlog and just keep those emotions for inspirational purposes ONLY.

i have dreams, goals and plans. and as i’m starting to work on them even more, even harder, i’ve got to also start letting go of the past and not let it hold me back. wants to become a DJ. wants to climb Mt. Everest. wants to start my own company/restaurant/bar/club. wants to do my Masters. this is it quelyn, this is the turning point that you need to stop at and TURN. turn back time, emotions, thoughts and start resolving them. i wish i had someone to go through all this with me, to help me through, but sometimes even the people in your life cannot be there for you for these kind of things. and all you have is right here, right now and yourself.

this journey, let’s go.
there will be issues and people that will still be immortal,
but i need to make sure they don’t become walls that block my potential.

Dear God,

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I know that it’s been a long time, and I know that I haven’t been exactly the best behaved person on this planet. But dear God, please don’t let me lose V. I know what I did wrong, and I regret (maybe not totally, but to a large extent. that is another repentence for another time. ><) my actions. Please, don’t let him find out, please. I really don’t think I can take another loss this week. Too many people have been leaving and/or betraying my trust and I’m getting tired. Please just leave this one person here for now God. Dear God, please make J keep his promise, even if those promises were lies at that point of time, please make them truths.

God, I know V’s not supposed to be here for the long term, but for now please let him be around. Please.

it’s been a long week.

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yeah, it has been a really long week of ups and downs. started my new job on wednesday and other than it being too slack at the moment cause the boss is out of town for over a week, i don’t have anything much to blog about it at the moment. it’s not exactly challenging, neither is is something that will become too mundane after awhile. but it’s definitely not something that i’d want to do in the long term because i need a challenge. maybe that’s why i’m always trying to push myself physically, because in singapore, none of the jobs that i’ve encountered has ever challenged me mentally. i need that mental challenge and thus, i need to find that job that gives me just that. 

on a sadder note, too many downs happened this week. one of my close friend is leaving (close to) for good. we drank to it for a good farewell. one of my other close friends, okay, honestly my exboyf, well he passed on too. at my age, it’s a little too young for him to pass on. he barely passed his 23rd birthday and he’s gone just like that. got the news on wednesday after a the little farewell party for D. got home, got back into a cab and went to zouk to drink with C. and got quite drunk. and no, i’m not going to apologize for it because i needed that break or i’d have cried the whole night and ended up not going to work the next day. but here’s where the third down of the week came, in the form of a female who is just an acquaintance. yes, you have me on facebook, you follow me on twitter, but that doesn’t mean you are my friend. so if you are my friend, you will help me. if you aren’t then just don’t bother about me. i don’t see why you have to when you don’t want to. defeats the purpose doesn’t it? 

but i guess here, i see the difference between true friends and the flaky ones who pretend to be your friend only for the good times and ditch you in the bad times. and i only pray for more true friends who will not leave my side because those are the friends whom you will need to walk through life with you, not the ones who are pretty, or the ones who have the most fun, but the ones who will sit with you in the quiet, who will scold you when you’re screwing with your own life, who will be there for you in the most trying of times.

sometimes,

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sometimes all i ask for is someone to share all this with.
sometimes i feel like i have to do it in a hurry, but as i grow older, i slowly realize that i don’t have to.
sometimes i wonder if there’ll ever be somebody to share it with. 

but whatever the circumstances i always have the chinese saying 寧缺毋濫 in my mind.
i’d rather not have anything if i don’t have the best that God’s got for me.

FG#2

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120812; I WILL NOT EAT INSTANT MEE.

okay, i’m going to try and blog all the different posts that i intended to within the next hour or so. hopefully it goes as planned, but i’m starting with the easiest. i think it’s fairly simple to understand what my second fitness goal is. i’ve been doing quite good with FG#1, only broke it once cause i saw ice cream soda (which i haven’t had/seen for a really long time)! i think that FG#2 will be harder because sometimes i’m just too lazy to cook, sometimes i’m too lazy to go out and other times, i’m just too broke to go out to buy food. but okay, NO INSTANT NOODLES. i will not be lazy, i will cook my meals, or go out to eat salad/soup. 

EDIT: 230812, FG#2 is failing like crazy because i’ve been lazy and have been cooking instant noodles at least once every two days. >< not a very good sign of this going. the instant noodles is just sitting at home in the cupboard tempting me like crazyyyy. must. resist. the. urge. and not be lazy to cook as well. there’s salmon and chicken in the fridge, i’m just too lazy to defrost it. so, must un-lazy myself and start cooking!