Monthly Archives: June 2012

why i miss volunteering in cambodia.

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i’ve graduated and there’s no more school to look forward to in august. i don’t want to take on a full-time, permanent job for many reasons, such as wanting to go back for NY’s LTC (for yet another year, yey!) and because i want to travel even more (in december, plans for Bali – again, and Cambodiaaa!). but in the interim of getting a part-time job (applied, got one one-off event job tomorrow – yey! and got an interview with a recruitment agency – more yeyness!), i don’t want to be just living a mere existence. i have a problem – i just don’t know how to stop living. one of my bestie’s, J says i have to learn the art of doing nothing. well, i don’t have a problem with that, i can sit down at a cafe and just people watch. but what i have a problem with is doing that everyday. so i fill my time with the gym, with dance and i’m adding on capoiera (again!) soon, plus maybe muay thai – anything to get me into the best shape of my life, to reach my ideal weight and to get those washboard abs that i desire. okay, maybe not washboard, but i want a flat tummy and a sex line. those plus my social life of meeting my close friends, meeting random people whom i haven’t seen for a long time etc. what better time to head out and meet people than now cause once i get a permanent job, it’s going to be … hard.

sounds like i’ve already got loads on my plate? yes, and no. because all that i’m doing is very “me”-centric. and that’s something i again, have a problem with. i like being “me”-centric, it’s something that i didn’t do for most of my life and getting into that mindset of taking care of yourself instead of relying on others, taking ownership of you and your life, didn’t come to me until a year or two ago. but that doesn’t mean that i’ve entirely become selfish. there’s something about my life and my beliefs that doesn’t allow me to do that. helping others, and volunteering came early to me. helping people through their life “crisis”, going to elderly homes and eventually heading out of the country to thailand and cambodia for overseas community services were turning points in my life when it came to the community services area of my life.

during my days in junior college, i went to chiang rai for an overseas service learning experience where we taught english in various schools and had homestay experiences in a village, walking a few kilometres to the school every day and well, being chased by cows in the field. it was a good experience where i learnt to appreciate what i have in singapore (honestly, sometimes i don’t do it very well, but i try) and sometimes, i miss the kids there. but it didn’t leave as much of an impression as cambodia did. maybe because we spent less time with the kids in thailand and because we saw soooo many different groups of kids that none really left an impression.

but cambodia, cambodia was different. it left a huge impression on me, it changed my life quite literally because i had an entirely new outlook on life and what i could do with mine after that experience. but more than that, cambodia and its kids stole my heart from me. and i constantly miss my kids who are there. i haven’t seen them for over a year already and i’m really wanting to go there. i’m in the process of making plans for a trip there in december and i pray that everything goes as planned! but recent events have made my longing for them even more evident and it’s repulsed me a little from volunteering for/with kids in singapore. maybe “repulsed” is a little too harsh, but i can’t think of any other vocabulary.

recently i involved myself in helping a playschool paint their exterior walls, which made me think of cambodia a lot because that was exactly what we did for IFCC. we had a professional company who helped to sketch a few drawings here and there, but most of the process was out of my hands – something i wasn’t used to. i loved how in cambodia we had an initial plan and sketches but could later on add our own little paintings and details to the wall. i felt quite lost when i was volunteering in singapore because there was not much plans or sketches and everything was so disorganized. >.< but what’s out of my hands, and which i have no power to change, i accept.

but it was the madness of the whole situation that really irked me. i kept comparing the experience in singapore to the one that i had in cambodia and the stark contrasts made me miss cambodia so much. the volunteers that were recruited for the project were mostly students trying to collect their community involvement project hours. instead of really painting the walls, they were talking and snacking away on chips and drinks. girls, why exactly did you sign up for this? because you can slack? because the job is “easy”? *lesigh. i don’t really think i want to comment on the actions of the younger generation. all i can say is that i’m disappointed at their actions and that if this is how our society is going to grow up, i really hope one day i’ll be a good mother whose kids are NOT anything like those girls that i saw.

but what i miss the most about the cambodian experience is that while we were painting, the kids there were always around us, playing in the streets, coming up to us despite the language barrier and trying to talk to us, showing us our surroundings, scaring us with huge worms and scorpions and trying to help out. it was so much fun and i learnt so much from those kids and came to love them so deeply that i constantly think of them. but in singapore, all i heard were kids crying because the preschool teacher didn’t give them a biscuit. i really went “wth” to myself. in cambodia, when i first met brom, my little street boy, he wore the same ben10 shirt the entire week we were there. and when we shared our sweets and snacks with the kids, they were grateful for it. they are denied so much more than singaporean kids but are so much more polite. they don’t go to school, but they know how to properly socialize, they know how to be thankful.

and that’s why i can’t wait to go back to cambodia. the people, the culture, the entire society there is so much better than what we have here in singapore. it saddens me that the kids of our country are spoilt. it saddens me that this is the future of our country. i pray, hope and wish for singapore’s education to shape them into better people eventually, a people who are grateful for what they have, a people who have a heart to serve and give back to society. but for now, i shall just head back to cambodia and share my love with them.

i wonder how much they’ve grown. and i wonder if they’ll remember me when i’m back.

beekie’s foodforthought. (:

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i’m really glad to have a friend like beeks. was feeling kinda down and out while at camp and asked her out on sunday. even though she clubbed till the early morn and had fathers’ day dinner at night, she still travelled all the way to town just to walk through SMU to find my dance studio and then slack the day away with me. talked about Y and abit about the next week and how things are going to go for her because she’s going back to school soon and then heading to NIE after that. hurhur. ohwells, i’ll let the photos speak for themselves. the rest that aren’t here are on facebook. XD

new chapter, yes and no.

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the (romantic) relationships are going nowhere, and i’m quite okay with that cause i realized that there’s so much more that i have to do in the next half a year. it’s june, IT’S JUNE. and i haven’t come up with a concrete plan for the next half of the year. damn. H, didn’t go too well. i found a new muse Y, but he’s not really responsive. we’ll see what happens from here on with regards to the guys but, that’s not a very important thing in my life right now. this morning i was faced with decisions, decisions, decisions. about what i want to do with my life now that i’ve graduated, about what i want to achieve outside of my working life now that i’m actually faced with that prospect. am i going to be a lifeless working soul stuck in a cubicle all day? NO.

i’m going to start volunteering. took the first step by getting a sgcares account and i’m going to go through my first stint next tuesday. hopefully everything goes well. i have a feeling i’ll get lost trying to find my way there, but that’s half the fun i guess. forcing myself to wake up early and get it going. i’m going to choose an organization and start getting myself involved in long-term volunteering as well. start before i start work so that it’ll become a priority.

i want to dive, i want to climb a mountain. i want to, i want to, i want to. but i need to save up first before i can do all these. which means i need to get a part time job, which means i need to actually actively start looking for something, anything i guess. maybe i should start with aldo at J8. urgh. working life.

new chapters, yes and no. here and there. where?
let’s go!

 

new chapter, yes?

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back from europe and totally jetlagged much. been sleeping and waking at the weirdest hours and it’s not fun at all. not really going to blog about europe just yet because there’s just SO MUCH to talk about. butbut, i guess there’s something else more exciting happening in my life right now. *beams. H and i are going on a date tomorrow! *shys. hahahas. we’ve been keeping in contact for the last month while i was away. it really wasn’t an easy feat because of the time difference, of my lack of wifi/data, of … well, a lot of things. one month, H’s doing well compared to some of the others in the black book. and i’m excited, because it’s his first date, because it’s my first date in ages, because it’s OUR first date.*beamsbeams. the pok’s are happy for me, beek’s telling me to walk with caution, L & S know and are totally happy for me. urgh, korie doesn’t really know, and i don’t really know how to break it to him, yet. J knows and well, he knows. and it seems that everyone on H’s side knows to >.< it’s a little scary to be known by people you don’t know. but i guess H probably feels the same way, being known by my friends without being known? bleah, you get my drift.

but at the same time, i’m not without my nervousness, anxiety etcetc. i’m afraid of many things, worried that certain things won’t happy, hopefully that everything goes well. OMG, I JUST REALIZED. 12hours to meeting H. okokay, continue blogging girl. anyways, i was talking to kangy and i guess a lot of things she said made sense. J’s words are also ringing in my ears. i think i just gotta pluck up that courage and just be myself tomorrow. omgomg. i’m having second thoughts about the dress i picked out, i don’t know if i should wear heels, i’m wondering if i should bring the black clutch or the white one.

I HAVEN’T WORRIED SO MUCH ABOUT GOING OUT WITH A GUY BEFORE! (okay, maybe YH, the first (ex-)boyf. but i wasn’t as nervous etc because i knew i was his second gf.) like seriously, even if i went out on “dates” with guys i never bothered to dress up or think about what i’m wearing. i never bothering thinking if things will screw up, neither have i ever bothered to think about stuff to talk about BEFORE the outing. ohgod. kangy says the way i’m reacting to the entire H situation is cute, but i don’t find it cute. it’s nervewrecking to a certain extent. *sigh. me and my stupid girl thoughts. how could one date transform me from that confident, independent girl to this puddle. he makes me smile wayyy too much than he should be, he makes me miss him a little too much for my own good. and frankly, i think i’m crushing on him a lot more than i should be. dies.

i need to try to sleep. maybe this is a new chapter, maybe it isn’t. and i shouldn’t worry about it for now. but i was listening to he is we’s “all about us” and realized how apt it is for the entire situation with H. he gives new meaning to the lyrics and this time, the connotation’s a happy, positive, lovely one. *cross my fingers and wish on a star. because i think this might be it if we work out. yeaps, it might be.