there’s this ring, that been sitting on my finger since my birthday last year. most people don’t know what it means, and the one person who thinks he does, doesn’t. cause he’s the one person who asked, and he’s the one person who shouldn’t, mustn’t know about what this ring really means. i wear it everyday, to sleep, while bathing, when studying. it only leaves my finger when i switch it to my other hand. how long will it take for me to pluck up the courage to break the promise that this ring signifies? drunk conversations shouldn’t count, but after 8months, your drunken words haven’t really changed much. no matter how cold and how distant you want me to be while you’re sober, in your inebriated state, you always say the same thing and cry to the same words. you kiss me to comfort me, or maybe it’s to comfort yourself. and you hug me, telling me the same words over and over again.
“don’t leave me.”
8months ago, before my birthday. you said those words pleadingly while drunk. and i made a promise, even though i knew that consciously, something else was going on in your mind. i knew the rules of that game, and i said i wouldn’t ever fall for you. but when a boy cries in your arms, it’s a sight that’s hard to handle. especially when he’s crying for you and not the girl that he’s always talking about when he’s sober. the one he thinks/thought he’s hung up on. maybe i’m too soft-hearted and that’s why i caved.
but the moment i caved, i fell in love with you. maybe love’s too serious a word, “like” would be more appropriate. i liked you, extremely liked you – if that’s even possible for someone like me. cause by my birthday, all my closest friends were surprised that you were still around. it was a mistake to give in, because i’ve dug a hole so deep that i can’t get out. the last wednesday of the year, i got to talk to someone. and he said things that i couldn’t reconcile with what you said. but i’m glad that part of your life is over.
what i’m worried about is now. because every single freakin’ time you say those words while in my arms, the hole that i’ve took weeks to fill gets emptied again. the last effort, was three weeks to the thursday. and this time, the words were even more powerful than ever. because you said the phrase i’ve been dying, yet dreading to hear. yet when you’re sober, all these seem like a faraway dream.
i don’t know if i want you drunk or sober.
i just know i need to stop wanting.