Monthly Archives: February 2012

the littlest things.

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it’s all the small little details that i notice, that i remember. the slightest changes that you make, that’s so glaringly noticeable to me. maybe it’s because this is the last avenue between us and it makes it all the more important to me. it’s the littlest things that irk me, the littlest things that hurt me, the littlest things that bother me. i’m trying my best to bring this chapter to a close, but the promise still haunts me. my deepest wish right now is that the next time you’re drunk, you release me from that promise instead of binding me even tighter.

never say those words again
or never be drunk in front of me again.

lusting after wonder.

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i’m sitting at the newest starbucks outlet that’s in school. i’m pondering over a paper that, very frankly, is a tad overdue. and i am going through websites and blogs when i’m actually supposed to be completing that paper. for the longest time, i’ve been blogging about him. yes, that him. i’ll honestly say that my heart’s still wherever he is even though i no longer know when it is he works, and when it is he doesn’t. i left my heart at his place a long time ago, for him to hold, to break, to make, whatever. but i guess, my heart’s one thing, and my mind, body &soul is another. it’s time to really stop blogging about him. having him in my thoughts all day long are torturous enough. but, enough is enough.

a lot of the time i sit and plan for the upcoming europe trip despite my busy schedule of 7modules (yes, 7!) and wonder why my travelmates are too busy to plan for something as exciting as this. they have been looking around, but not actively planning. then again, maybe it’s just me. i’m too excited for this trip. it’s going to probably be the last time that i travel in a long time to come, and i’m glad that this trip is going to be such a long one. i don’t deny that i actually think about going on this grad trip with him because very very very very long ago, we were planning to travel together. and sometimes, i inevitably get lulled back into the “what would we do if we were travelling together” thoughts. but more often than not these days, i’m thinking about things that i love. like, how can i incorporate all of my likes and wants and bucket list items into this trip without imposing myself on my travel buddies. we all have different likes and dislikes and i’m actually quite willing to go solo from them so that all of us can do what it is that we like.

but i also realize how messy my plans are right now. i think i have to really sit down and think about it. like, where is it that i actually want to go to, what do i want to see, what do i want to experience. and all these are questions that i have to ask myself before being able to plan an itinerary. and before i know what to pack/invest on, in order to fulfill all these desires. i’m lusting after wonder. i know he always said that i’m like a kid in a candy shop, figuratively and sometimes literally as well. that’s what he loved me for. that’s what he probably continues to love me for despite us not being together. *sigh* that aside. i’m digressing again.

well, all i know is that when i get to europe, i want to be lost in a whole new world that’s different from singapore. and i want to get lost in the myriad of adventures that i’m planning (or not planning for the matter). i’m looking forward to getting lost with nothing, not even a map. i’m looking forward to meeting new people and getting to know the locals and maybe having a great time with them.

one thing that i’m sure of, i’m packing my running shoes with me.

our hopes and expectations.

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guess it’s time to blog about something that i should’ve told everyone earlier. so far, only the people who need to know, know this piece of information. i’ve been contemplating for a really long time (4years!) about this move and i think it’s finally time to take action. it’s been a half-lifelong dream to actually work in such an organization, the previous half was just me daydreaming about how sexy/handsome/cool those people looked in their work attire (not that i’m not doing it now. >.<) but, it’s been a desire in me since my days in junior college. i have the student council and the way it was run to thank for, because it really impacted my life and made me a better person who aspired to join this organization that i think will mold me into an even better person because of the potential that i think i have in that area that i rarely explore.

what am i talking about? well, i’m joining the navy/airforce. well, i like the navy more but the chance to being a (UAV) pilot was just too tempting, i mean, it’s every daddy’s girl’s dream come true! being able to pilot a plane like you did while you were young with your dad, especially for me cause i don’t know where my dad is. it’s like, i’ll be able to re-live some of those days. but honestly speaking, my heart’s kinda set on being a sailor. no, i don’t have any sailing experience, but i do know i love kayaking. it’s the vastness of the ocean and the calmness that belies a huge force that intrigues me.

god, please let me successfully enlist into the navy.

to stop wanting.

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there’s this ring, that been sitting on my finger since my birthday last year. most people don’t know what it means, and the one person who thinks he does, doesn’t. cause he’s the one person who asked, and he’s the one person who shouldn’t, mustn’t know about what this ring really means. i wear it everyday, to sleep, while bathing, when studying. it only leaves my finger when i switch it to my other hand. how long will it take for me to pluck up the courage to break the promise that this ring signifies? drunk conversations shouldn’t count, but after 8months, your drunken words haven’t really changed much. no matter how cold and how distant you want me to be while you’re sober, in your inebriated state, you always say the same thing and cry to the same words. you kiss me to comfort me, or maybe it’s to comfort yourself. and you hug me, telling me the same words over and over again.

“don’t leave me.”

8months ago, before my birthday. you said those words pleadingly while drunk. and i made a promise, even though i knew that consciously, something else was going on in your mind. i knew the rules of that game, and i said i wouldn’t ever fall for you. but when a boy cries in your arms, it’s a sight that’s hard to handle. especially when he’s crying for you and not the girl that he’s always talking about when he’s sober. the one he thinks/thought he’s hung up on. maybe i’m too soft-hearted and that’s why i caved.

but the moment i caved, i fell in love with you. maybe love’s too serious a word, “like” would be more appropriate. i liked you, extremely liked you – if that’s even possible for someone like me. cause by my birthday, all my closest friends were surprised that you were still around. it was a mistake to give in, because i’ve dug a hole so deep that i can’t get out. the last wednesday of the year, i got to talk to someone. and he said things that i couldn’t reconcile with what you said. but i’m glad that part of your life is over.

what i’m worried about is now. because every single freakin’ time you say those words while in my arms, the hole that i’ve took weeks to fill gets emptied again. the last effort, was three weeks to the thursday. and this time, the words were even more powerful than ever. because you said the phrase i’ve been dying, yet dreading to hear. yet when you’re sober, all these seem like a faraway dream.

i don’t know if i want you drunk or sober.
i just know i need to stop wanting.

still the best.

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my neck’s aching from all the weird positions i slept in the night before. and i realized that your lap’s still the most comfortable place to sleep on, like, it was naturally made to be my pillow. only one other shoulder could compare to that feeling of comfortable rest. but ohwell.

dear you,

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i’m not proud of the way we met, it was a moment of folly at a time when i was at my weakest and was looking for an easy way out of the sadness that i was feeling at that point of time. i was looking for a short-term encounter that would take my mind off everything that was happening around me, the madness that had filled my world. i didn’t expect to find someone like you. i didn’t expect to stay that long with you. i didn’t expect to fall in love with you. and i didn’t expect the consequences that i’m living now – unable to fully function without thinking about you in almost every situation.

i wish we had met some other way. a more conventional way, one where we would have started out as friends instead of whatever we were back then. i guess, i did find a friend in you when you helped me through some of my worst days, crying in your arms, in the car, by the river, practically crying everywhere. i was glad that you were by my side because you were my strength. but now, you’re my only weakness (other than my fitness, which doesn’t count cause it’s getting better). by the time i realized that things were happening too fast for my liking, i had already said that i would never like you. and 3months later, i did. it was folly on my part to allow my heart to even go there.

my close friends say i’m so much better without you. but why doesn’t it feel that way?
i wish you were still here with me at times, but i know it’s time to move on.
so dear you, i wish you happiness (which you might have already found). and maybe one day if you turn around and need someone to love, i’ll still be here (or maybe on a ship or on an airbase, but here for you nonetheless), waiting for you to give you the best that i can because i’ve realized, i love you the way you are. just the way that you are.

dear heart, would you just stop breaking?

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one girl after another, i see you go with one girl after another. i sincerely wish that she would be the one that you’ve been waiting for, even though i know that it’s not remotely possible. your heart’s still stuck in the past, and the current is just someone that you’ve been and will be using for the present. i know cause i’ve been there before. it hurts me that you’re no longer mine, but it hurts more to see you this way.

dear heart, i’ll let you hurt tonight. but come morning light, all will be well again.
and maybe i’ve come to a realization that i’m choosing certain paths because,
i want to be near you, yet away from you.