Monthly Archives: January 2012

run in the rain.

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been 20days since my last post and 2months since i last ran, or did any physical activity of any kind. and no, shuffling at mambo doesn’t count. the year’s started out good even though there are still things that weigh on my heart and swing around like a pendulum, making my mind sway from left to right. i still get dreams, and nightmares. the dreams are sweet, happy even, whether i’m with him or not. but the nightmares they scare me, to the core of my very existence. i know i shouldn’t worry, i know there’s nothing much to think about anymore, but when you have these kind of feelings for someone, you unconsciously just worry and wish for the best in everything they do. i just pray that he’s happy.

finally restarting my running schedule again, and definitely have to start clocking my gym hours as well. but i guess we’ll take one thing at a time. did a simple 1km run today because it started raining halfway through, but it wasn’t good at all, compared to previous timings. 9mins for 1km is highly disturbing, especially when there’s a 42km run coming my way this year. my ankle started hurting halfway too, so that’s a cause for concern, but i’m going to push on.

i guess there’s a lot of things that i’ve learnt today, like i need new FBTs and running singlets. my FBTs are too big that they just happily slip off my hips and the singlets i have are so huge and long that i look like i’m not wearing any shorts. urgh. brings about too much male attention. but in other news, i’m fking jealous of all those NSboys and their pretty singlets. jealous. i’ve also learnt that running a new route (yes, i ran a new route on my first run after a long time) makes the whole run (feel) so much shorter.

in other news, imysmsuperman. there are nights i can’t sleep because the physical memory of you haunts me. i feel you beside me, but when i turn around to hug you, there’s nothing but the air, or the bolster, or the teddy that’s not big enough to take your place. there are nights where i’m woken up by the nightmares of your sorrow, or worse, your demise. there are nights where i cry when i know that you’re crying over her that very same night. superman, i wish you weren’t all that tired at times. i wish you had somewhere you can find reprieve. but that place is not in my arms.

in other news, february is coming up again. time to reflect and restate my goals and resolutions for the year. forgetting superman should be on the top, but i know that’s something that has no timeline that can be followed.

– edit –
23rd Feb 2012
being back in your arms, even if just for that one night made everything feel so right again. i’ve been sleeping without nightmares the last two nights, simply because of that one night in your arms. yes, it was a challenge and as i told you, sleeping next to you sometimes feels like i’m playing a jigsaw puzzle. but don’t you realize, your presence is enough to chase those nightmares away? well, you probably don’t. being in your embrace, even while you’re fast asleep is a luxury i cannot afford to always have, especially once i start my new life, my new career. but once in a while, it’s more than enough for me to get a good night’s rest. i know you won’t see this, cause you don’t read this blog, but superman. being in your arms washes all the fear away. even if it only lasts for awhile, it’s more than enough for me to be brave, to face the challenges ahead. that’s how important you are to me.

nightmares.

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i can’t take them anymore. i thought they went away, but now they’re just becoming worse, so much more worse than they were before. tonight, i slept barely 2hours in and the nightmare … was a continuation of one of the old ones. dear god, whoever you are that’s out there in the skies, please never let him go through that pain that i saw him go through in those nightmares. no one deserves it, no one. not even him. please god, please. don’t let those nightmares come true, and at the same time, don’t give me anymore of them. it hurts me to see him that hurt and that sad. it reminds me of … that night. please, don’t put me through this torture. it should never be this way.