Monthly Archives: December 2011



2011’s been a challenging and trying year for me with the most unusual ups and downs. i started 2011 off trying to get R to go back to us being just friends. i guess i always get the guys who don’t know what they want and don’t know how to back off properly cause i’m ending the year trying to forget on confused boy. said confused boy has been the happiest, as well as the most challenging part of the year because i’ve never had a guy like him. the bad boys, the musicians, the sportsmen, but never one like him before. maybe it was his novelty that got me going and later his “loyalty” that made me think twice to give an extra few months. but, that was my mistake of the year. i should’ve let go when the lease expired.

i guess the most memorable thing about this year is that i started a few different paths. joined the choir, went through all the way to hiphop2 in dance, started mamboing and shuffling awesomely. and through all these, i made many new friends. i’m really proud because it was in line with what i wanted at the start of the year. to be singing and dancing, at least doing things that i like when i’m not studying or being burdened by the problems of those close to me. but that said of having new friends, many old friends showed an uglier side of them, especially in the last few months. i now know who’s true to me, and who’s just trying to be close without trying, who’s false, and who shouldn’t even be a friend of the second circle. i guess as we grow older, we slowly see different sides of people. we thought they were one thing, but people eventually change as well and we have to learn to let go of them for our own good.

i went through the months of march to june reflecting on my past relationships with guys. and realized now that i’ve slowly let them go, one by one. now, i’ve only got a certain confused being in my mind, but that’s about it. everyone else, i’ve let go. i’ve had quite a few relationships this year in the months where i wasn’t with confused. T was good while it lasted, being a national athlete meant that i essentially had a “personal trainer”. i loved the times we spent together because it really put me on the right track for my health for the rest of the year. my harrypotterR and his adventures with voldermortA was a change in scenery. he was someone that i could go to museums to and just be little kids once again. it was happiness while we lasted cause i’ve never had such a silly, romantic boy like that. our love for the same kind of things made it easy, but our positions in life made it hard. i didn’t think it would last anyway.

may, may was a turning point. confused was a novelty, and a difference from the rest that i had during the year before him and well, during him. he said it was okay if i dated other guys, and i did. but at the end of the day, i always went to bed with his texts of good night and sweet dreams. yes, it’s the same for girls as well. even the most hardcore of players or serial daters would have that one person he/she would want to hear from last before they close their eyes to sleep and first when they open their eyes coming out from dreamland. confused was a novelty that became an addiction that became a concern. i’m glad that i have so many good memories despite what’s left of us now.

2011 wasn’t the best travel year because i only travelled four times this year. and once was for a camp, not a holiday. batam was short, but it was my first trip out of the country with beekie, and it was an awesome time just slacking away together. we both needed a break, before she started work, before i started a new year in school. krabi was nothing short of awesome because i went with a bro who really talked things through with me. made me rethink about my relationships with a lot of people and well, i guess that was when i renew the lease on confused. shouldn’t have, but it’s a lesson learnt that somethings cannot be kept past it’s initial expiry. bali was the best way to end the year’s travels. nuff said. cause there’s no words that can describe the awesomeness of the trip.

to say that 2011’s bad just because of the way the year’s ending doesn’t do the year justice because overall in the macro scale of things, everything was quite good. i had hoped to cross the new year with you, but it’s okay. at least you left those memories here for me. on the whole, it was a good and exciting year that i would go through again because of the lessons that have been learnt.

so here’s to 2012 being another awesome year. (:


lost phone.


i’ve been dead drunk, i’ve been hiding out, i’ve been well, a lot of things with my iP4, but i’ve never lost it before even in situations where people would probably lose their phone. but, i lost mine yesterday simply because i was forgetful. but oddly, though i feel that sense of loss, i feel a sense of relief even more. mamboboy was saying that i still sounded very happy even though i had lost the phone. and yeah, i told him the exact same thing. it feel like a burden’s been lifted off my shoulder. and i very well know why. that last message will be burned into my heart forever. and what’s left on the backup is mostly the happier times. that said, i probably have to get the backup from C. sigh. that’s for later i guess. i haven’t and can’t exactly get a new phone now.


fracture, yey?


okay, it’s not exactly the most serious kind in the world, but it hurts like a bitch. i’m staying off the doctor’s visit because i’m going to bali and i don’t wanna be in a cast through that trip. bikinis and casts don’t go well together. but, it’s really been bringing me lots of pain. i guess that wednesday wasn’t just emotionally painful, but it brought about alot of physical pain as well. ohfuckit. no heels, less shoes, slippers all the way.

right now, taking care of myself is low on my list of priorities. i know the whole world’s worried, even people whom i meet only on wednesdays are worried. but, i really don’t have that kind of strength to do what’s right.

11 things to know at 25(ish)


read the original article from a link on facebook and i guess, it really did make sense and made me do some thinking. i think i finally have a semblance of a workable plan once i graduate next year, and as daddy predicted when i was younger, i’d probably be working in the public sector. i guess even though my dad’s gone, he’s had a really good eye as to what we would become when we grew older. he’s a good judge of character, and i wonder what’d he say about my choice of boys (1weekers/flings not included). well, daddy got it right when he said my sister would probably want to do real estate and that i would easily get into a government job because of our characters and academic abilities. anyway, here’s the list and i guess, some of my current plans as to what i’m going to do. (:

#1: you have time to find a job you love
i think this was the one point that struck me the most. i’ve been grappling with this “what am i going to do when i graduate” for a long time and i’ve been considering my options very very very narrowly. because there’s a particular job that i’ve been wanting to do for a long time. and it’s probably time to step into that line. but before that, i want to try something else, it’s another “job” that i’ve wanted to do. so i’ve decided that once i graduate, i’ll probably get a part-time admin job somewhere, either that, or an adhoc kind of job. it won’t pay well, it definitely won’t. but for the one year after i graduate, i want to dance. and then after that, i’ll most probably go into that line of work. that one year is also to facilitate another two things. firstly, to give me time to beat myself into shape. secondly, to consider whether this is the path that i really want to go. my question to myself would be “why would you want to put on this uniform?” up till now, i haven’t fully understood my fascination with it. maybe it was X who first started the trend. and from then on, other than my foreign boys, all my singaporean boys have been in uniform, whether serving or the regulars. army, navy, air force, there’s not a single one that i haven’t had. do i really like men in uniform, or is it because i desire to put that uniform on? god knows. but i’ve got a year to think.

#2: get out of debt and stay out of debt
i think this is something important for me. being a responsible “adult” when i first started university was to start paying for my own tuition fees/computer loans/etc. and it’s been taxing on me, especially the first two years where i was in hall AND had a job at the bar. it was literally like working full-time, 24/7 because of hall commitments and the battening job being on that lasted till 2/3/4am when i had 8am classes. thank god i was staying within the campus or else, i wouldn’t have known what kind of trouble i’d be in missing classes and the like. guess the first, and only thing that i’ll wanna be paying off is gonna be the bank loan for the uni. and then, after that i’ll decide what else i wanna do with my life. the first job’s not gonna be something that i’m gonna enjoy i guess. it’ll be a temporary thing while i think about the military job. either that or going into dance/stage. it’s a whole world out there for me to conquer, whether flying the skies, sailing the seas or making the world my stage. (:

#3: don’t rush dating and marriage

#4: give your best to friends and family

#5: get some counseling

#6: seek out a mentor

#7: be part of a church
for me, this is easier said than done. i tried to make a church my home, i did everything right. joined a cell group, went to services, joined a ministry that i was passionate about. but, it’s all boiled down to nothing right now. maybe because i’ve been too caught up in my own emotional life (the last time i left a long time church was because of the taiwanese-exbf) and right now, it’s about finding that drive and that faith to go back again. i know there are many people who want to see me back in church, i know that there are people there who miss me being there. but, i can’t go back because right now, i’m not me. and i know that. my life was devoted to another for the past few months and i just not myself now. as long as i’m not living for myself, i cannot say that i am me. you get? yeah, i think this “talk” is more for me to get things straight rather than for anyone else to hear or read. i’m trying hard to make sense to myself. but as someone would tell me, leave it to god and you’ll probably understand better. well, i’m not that kind of person, yet.

#8: find a rhythm for spiritual disciplines

#9: volunteer
i’ve been doing this since my days in JC, and i think that it is something important because every time i go and volunteer, it changes my world and my perceptions that bit more. because i’ve been able to go overseas to volunteer, not only has my perceptions of people changed but my world views have changed as well. and i guess that’s the beauty of being a volunteer. for that 18days to a month, your life stops. it comes to a complete standstill while you are in the field. your plans and your “big life” are all so small in comparison to the world that you are immersed in. you’re building and educating for a bigger purpose than yourself, and suddenly, all your problems seem so insignificant in comparison to the kids that you are volunteering for, your life chances seem so much brighter than what the kids would ever have.

and i guess in this respect, my next step would be to take up a leadership position. maybe i’d be leading the 4thStep back to cambodia, maybe it’ll be a different group to a different place. i don’t know where it’ll take me, but that’s for 2012 to see. (:

#10: feed yourself and the people you love

#11: don’t get stuck

paint the town red.


we literally did that last night, literally. drinks, smokes, and a little debauchery never hurt anyone, especially when you don’t have to work to get people interested in you. gosh, charm’s back and running. no flirting, no seduction, nothing. and game still came floating my way. but.. i ask myself if i really want to play. the answer, was no. and i headed home, high on alcohol, and alone to bed in holland. no, it’s not because i have any residual feelings. i don’t bother about those when i’m sober-ish. i just want to change the playing field. and maybe, it’s also be cause these few months with you changed me, alot more than i’m willing to admit.