positives: creative. resilient. long-hair. cute. hardworking (when it comes to certain things). imaginative. dancer. singer. actress. busty (/shrugs and giggles). optimistic. likes to laugh. bubbly. organized.
negatives: fat): lazy. unmotivated. procrastinates. party animal. tummy): faithless. depressed. hateful. can’t do math. cries a lot. nightmares.
meh, i can’t do this. i don’t really know what best describes me. i’m just rattling off what people usually describe me as. as of now, my self-esteem is at an all time low because i’ve just realized how stupid i’ve been to be grovelling at someone else’s feet. liking someone makes us blind. knowing he likes you but doesn’t want to admit it consciously makes me feel like crap. knowing he likes someone else and being able to see him chase his happiness makes me happy too. but seeing him sad/heartbroken every time he does it makes me feel like i’ve failed as a person even though nothing in that situation is under my control. fml. it still revolves around the wrong things. fuckit.
22years. i have realized that physically, what matters most to me are my legs. i have extremely weak ankles, especially after i first twisted them in primary6. but i need them to dance, to run and to do the basics of just walking as well. there were bouts of time in the recent years when i couldn’t dance nor run my marathons because of super badly injured ankles. i’m just coming out of a no dance period because of injuries sustained earlier this year. materially, i don’t think much matters. i’m not the type of girl who like branded stuff. i mean, it’s nice to have but i won’t pay for an expensive bag. i prefer spending on non-material experiences, like travelling because a bag will probably last me a few years, but my travel experience will last me a lifetime. (: emotionally, what matters the most is that i spend enough time with friends so that i know what’s going on in their lives and so that i can support them. but this doesn’t happen whenever i’m in an emotional rut myself because i hate having to dump too much of my own emotions on others. and basically in life, in general, what matters to me is that everyday, i’m growing closer to the person that i aspire to be. to be stronger, healthier, emotionally stable, more independent, more responsible, more disciplined.
i would regret that i didn’t travel enough.
i would be glad that i won’t be in pain.
i would be sad that i haven’t danced in a long time.
i would be upset that i never completed my bucket list.
i would be happy that at least i had 22years of life.
i would regret never knowing that one answer.
i would be relieved that i don’t have to go through the agony of thinking of that answer.
i would be elated that there was no more school!
i would wonder if i’d really go to heaven.
i would have wanted to tell certain people “i love you more than my life.”
this question would have been easy to answer about 3weeks ago. you. i smiled, every single day without fail. yes, our conversations were getting routine, i knew what your answer/reaction would be to most of my texts. but i was happy, smiling stupidly to my phone for almost the whole day. sharing my daily life with you made me happy. you sharing what you knew with me, made me happy. i’ve grown so much more knowledgeable from what you have shared with me. one mindless call that night was enough for me to sleep soundly till the next morning. you don’t know the nightmares that haunt my dreams when you’re not around. and waiting for that text, that one text that said haiii. it always made me smile, it always made my day better, no matter what had happened in those few hours you weren’t around.
but other than that, friends make me happy. travel makes me happy. watching clouds make me happy. watching sunrises/sunsets make me happy. dancing makes me happy. but i’m doing mostly none of the things that makes me happy because i’m trying to grab enough sleep as much as i can. i never get real sleep, i just lay in the betweens of sleep and consciousness. and i wake up every morning from nightmares. i need more things that make me happy.
so back dated. i’m about 6days backlogged, and mostly it’s because of this question. i’m someone who hates to think about painful things. people always ask me why i laugh so much, why i giggle all day long. they don’t know that the more i laugh and giggle, the more pain i’m in. i guess i have gone through quite a few things in life that have brought pain, usually things to do with the family’s state of being, the condition of the people who are close to me, and my own personal feelings. to date, i can’t actually say which is the most painful experience because every experience is pain in a different way. but i know my most recent painful experience that i’m still reeling from is a double whammy from the two most influential guys in my life. one’s gotten engaged. the other’s not talking to me. and i just feel so lost that it’s not funny anymore. engaged, nothing to say, nothing can be done. the other, i guess it was my fault too. i let his words affect me too much, and got my own feelings mixed up. after the last exam paper, i swear i have to do something. i need sleep. i need to stop drinking. i need to do a lot of things to straighten out this whole situation.
superman, i miss you like crazy.
i wish i could hold you and tell you that everything’s going to be alright.
i wish.. that i could be there for you.
love, is quite undefinable. to different people in my life, it means different things and different sacrifices. from young i’ve learnt of unconditional love from god because i grew up in church and the kind of love that god gives is the kind of love that i can never achieve to give because i am still human afterall. to the family, it means tolerance. i may not be on the best of terms with everyone, but if anyone does anything to my mother or siblings, i swear that i’ll f**king beat you up with everything that i have. it also means tolerance because we are all different people and i can’t expect everyone of us to have the same feelings and thoughts. and a lot of the time, we clash when we do certain things. to my best friends, it means being there for them in anyway possible. i may not always be in the best emotional and mental state, but whenever they need me, i’ll suck it up and be there for them. with regards to my future boyf/husband, well, i’ll definitely be there for him 100% and i’ll support any decision that he makes in life. i think i read somewhere before with regards to a boyf, he doesn’t have to look extremely handsome, or be a hunk in anyway. he doesn’t have to be the best person in the world, as long as he loves me for who i am.
and that’s all there is to loving me. just accept me as who i am, as i do the same to you.