been about a week since i pressed. haven’t even had time to breathe cause of all the assignments that have to be perfected for submission. there’s another 2.5k one due tomorrow, but i’m too sick to even think about that assignment. been ill since monday with a fever + flu + cough combo that has actually gotten worse (yes, i’m actually admitting it). i’ve never been sick for this long before and it’s an uncomfortable feeling. to be this sick i mean. i have been having uncomfortable feelings for a lot of other things that have been happening in my life recently. and my heart’s just so heavy from everything piling up. being able to talk to someone about it is one thing, being able to get support for it is another. i’m glad that i’ve got someone to talk to, but.. we’re both going through trying times and we’re definitely not good support for each other.
the only other thing in life that doesn’t give me any trouble is that one constant friend. despite 7hours of radio silence on most days, this friend keeps me sane whenever we text. but this friend will probably never know it at all. and he doesn’t have to. cause i just want to keep status quo. on him and on everything else in life. because. just because i’m so tired of everything. i can’t move anything from this status quo anymore or i might flip. okay, well things haven’t exactly been THE status quo that i want it to be. but for now, i guess this status quo will work out. X is being a bastard and i guess that’s the status quo for now. K is being difficult, and i might have to drop soon, but that’s the status quo for now. i am sick and can’t really do anything, so that’s the status quo for now.
status quo. what a joke.
but halloween. had a really great time dressing up and putting on nice make up and all, but didn’t really enjoy myself as the night wore on because my nose was not cooperating and it was cold everywhere. every place we went to. and in the end, i went home really early. i wish i hadn’t been sick cause even if i was just tired, i’d have stayed through the night. but being sick is a different thing. i couldn’t tell anyone from anyone. i couldn’t walk without feeling dizzy. sigh. overall, it was a good night turned nasty. had a good time when i was lucid and not spinning into oblivion.
carry me silently on wings of the raven night to the playground of desire where shadows dance in the black moonlight.
¿Dónde se han ido las conversaciones? los mensajes que envía son cada vez más cortos. son cada vez más sentido. a dónde vamos a? este no es ni siquiera la amistad que usted dijo que quería tener. vamos a ser como una estrella que se desvanece y muere?
the moment you relinquish your role, the whole world starts coming after me. i don’t deny that i love the attention, i always have and probably always will. but, the only attention that will matter is the one that comes from you. but you wouldn’t know, would you?
ojalá pudiera volver el tiempo atrás, a los primeros meses que estuvimos juntos. fueron sin duda los momentos más felices de mi vida. conforme pasaban los meses, ha cambiado, y yo también tal vez hemos cambiado juntos, no sé. pero aún estaba feliz, porque yo estaba en sus brazos. pero ahora la mesa se volvió. todo lo que tengo es un miércoles por la noche con usted. y tengo que aprender a estar contentos con lo que tengo ahora. porque si no lo soy, acabo de perder todo lo que son.
super-hombre, quiero decirte lo mucho que usted necesita. quiero decirte lo mucho que te gusta. quiero decirte lo mucho que … te amo. pero estas palabras me guardo para mí. porque, si lo digo en voz alta un día, podría perder para siempre.
“i wish we would just give up
cause the best part is falling.
call it anything but love.”
“and i’ll make sure to keep my distance
say i love you when you’re not listening”
torture. it’s pure torture.
more and more, i don’t know if what i’m feeling is right.
shorter conversations. shorter texts.
wait, you don’t even text anymore.
you just put smileys that i can never understand.
and yet, i still want to do everything for you.
be there for you at all times.
be whatever that you need.
give you whatever it is that you want.
since when did the idea of leaving become so painful.
i played that scene in my mind a thousand times.
a hug, a kiss, a goodbye. no explanations.
and i start crying. even in public places.
6months, and 5 days.
but you would never know.
how much you really mean to me.
until i finally say goodbye, in tears.
baby, i love you so much.
but i just can’t say a word.
and that one week break that you took,
it just made me realize so much more,
the truth of just how much you don’t need me.
my life’s a mess right now, especially when it comes to school work cause there’s a need for so much inspiration but, there’s nothing that i am inspired by. and it’s even worse when i don’t understand so much of what i’m learning. okay, not much cause it’s just one module – the driest of them all. but i still gotta push on, push on and push on some more.
quelyn, you can do it!