walking into october, and i’ve already gotten over X completely. it took everything of me this month not to think, not to feel and to just completely ignore everything that he did, everything that he said, every ounce of concern that he gave. but, as my best friend would say, good riddance. cause right now, i’ve got other things to settle. X2 for example is giving me a huge headache because he was there while X was around. i’m still reeling from the after effects and i know that i don’t love X2, definitely not. but there are other feelings involved that i’m not sure of. though, 80% of me tells me that X2 is rebound. yeah, that word. always that word that gets me into trouble.
if you think 4years of rebound after Y just stopped not long ago, think again. at least after Y, i still had X who was around and R who came and went and eventually totally left. X isn’t around anymore so all we’re left with is X2. and probably A, whom i met well, exactly a week ago. things have been going well, and that’s about all i’m gonna say. but i have a feeling that A’s not gonna be anything more than a temporal hmm, i’d hesitate to use the word here. but, just know, temporal. then again, other than C recently, everyone has been temporal. A’s outliving his use by date already.
but just so you know, SHE’S BACK. (:
and baby are we gonna have a f***ing good time in the field.
i was worried, honestly worried. but it seems like i didn’t have to be. you were having more fun annoying me, thinking it was one of my little play temperaments. but you forget that i am still human, and i was REALLY exasperated and meant it when i said so. but i’d still apologize and ask you to forgive me cause i guess i stepped over the line. the day didn’t go well, and i took it out on you.
C, take care of your back. i won’t bring it up again.
and hopefully i’ll never flare at you again.
honestly, your selfishness pisses me off. how can you make your own mother sleep on the living room sofa while you and your boyf sleep in her bed. WTF. just because you won’t your boyf around to stay around and bring you into dreamland. and then after that, your mother has to send him home. i don’t care where the fuck he stays, but you’re getting your mum who has to sleep in the bloody living room to also be your boyf’s chauffeur. why, your boyf can’t go home on his own? seriously.
and you, your stupidity pisses me off. even if she attempted suicide, we all know that it was just a hoax for you to give her more attention. i know it and tell you to do something about it, but you deny that what i’m saying is true. but you know what, i know that YOU KNOW IT. and you just don’t have the guts to do anything about it just in case she attempts suicide again. your cowardice is exceptionally deep. i resent you for that, for not being able to do your job.
but whatever it is, you go dig your own fucking graves. i’ve said it so many times and yet no one listens. just because you’re too selfish and you’re too cowardly.
i was just lying in bed and thinking about the guys who have been/are in my life and i kinda realized something – they’re all the same “type” or at least have a few things in common between them. even if you count in my foreign ex-bfs, they might not have the same educational history, but they either have the same height or hobby etc. and no, i don’t choose my guys based on these criteria. they just happen to come along with it coincidentally! i guess it’s either i attract the same “type” of guys or, i just gravitate towards them even though i don’t know that they possess these qualities/background.
but B is right, i always get guys who drive. hahas.
mambo was close to awesome but i left even more tired than usual. spent most of the night worried, making sure C didn’t get bounced. lucky everything turned out okay. but i feel bad getting pissed at him not knowing the situation was that bad. sigh. lines, lines. they’ve been blurring recently because i haven’t been a very happy person. and when i’m with a close friend, i tend not to hide anything. i admit that i’m usually sweet and all, but sometimes i shoot off at people and then regret it later.
sigh. text me soon.
so, last week was bad. i didn’t want to blog cause i’d pobably cry and die. so, here’s the summary: R’s birthday date that never came to pass cause he’s an angel now. K’s birthday that i couldn’t spend with him. and of course, 5. three dates in a week that can get me so crapped out. and doesn’t help when my companion can’t be physically around. le sigh.
MONDAY; really wanted to talk to K cause of the huge fight i had with my mum and aunt. okay, it wasn’t a fight per se. it was just them scolding me for being childish and being a brat. i talked to them and reasoned with them and guess what the funniest thing was. at the end of the conversation, they said that i was grown-up and mature. but they still blamed the issue on me. adults, they can never make up their mind. they like to jump the gun before getting their facts right. and they hate admitting that they’re wrong. i for one will NEVER become such an adult. wanted to talk to K about signing on as well. wanted to talk to K about him as well.
K didn’t want to come down to clarkequay to look for me after his meeting yesterday. he thought that i was too high for his liking and didn’t want to talk to me. at that point of time when he called, i wasn’t high at all. but after that i went to beds and omfg is the place quite awesome. and i got quite high there because i kept losing some dice game and had to drink and drink and drink some more as “punishment”. probably a total of 6litres of beer yesterday night. i’m glad i got home.
another night gone by.
and K was supposed to come down today, but he didn’t.
C came down instead to lend me his MBP, which i’m happily typing away on. sigh, i miss my MB and i seriously hope that i can recover the data from it cause i don’t have backups at all, which also means that my 1 x term paper + 3 x research papers are GONE.GONE.GONE. ): term paper’s easy peasy to finish. but my heart breaks for my research papers. x3. FML. have to re-run the stats and re-do the biblio. >.< yikes.
slowly it goes i guess. there’s no point pushing things that are not going to happen. cause even if i called/texted him every single time and he still doesn’t have time for me, then i guess i should just drop it. after all, we are under panoptic observation now. and i have to start living a life without him and being dependent on him. i guess that’s where companion’s been coming in the last few months. sigh. i envy C, sometimes to the point of jealousy. but he did say something very true the other night. i would rather something i cannot have be kept away from me.
dear god, what’s supposed to be better?