all i have to say is that, the worst things have all happened in June. last year’s break up, last time i saw my dad. last this, last that. i don’t think i want to elaborate anymore least i get too emotional and find now solace in sleep. goodnight.
it’s like the hot oppressive winds have blown over. (: i’m a lot happier, mostly because i’ve come to a conclusion as to what i want in life. bucket list, i’m working towards all of those for now. 2014; prince, come find me only then.
may the cold winds soon come and sweep me off to my dreams.
i realize that it’s always one month before the birthday that’s the most revolutionary in each and every year. one month before the birthday marks the half a year mark, and usually is the hardest period for me to go through. but it’s also the time where i get the most revelations about myself, my personality and attitude towards life. my relationships, friendship and social life go through a metamorphosis and i see who’s true and who isn’t. this year, it’s no different.
i’m glad for this cycle of renewal. every year.
“step by step,
heart to heart,
left, right, left
we all fall down
like toy soldiers.”
step by step, i walk this path, break my own heart and rise up again. it’s not easy, but i want it to stay this way. everyone’s dissuading me for continuing on, but i tell them to leave the choice to me. and if they are truly my friends, all i need for them is to sit there and wait for my to come crying to them. because i know the end of this road. i’ve walked 8years down this similar path. i know what lies ahead.
for the last few years, until sometime last year. i was always the ultimate heartbreaker.
but i think something’s changed this year. i decided that i wanted to be myself again. i struggled against the dark past i held on to. i struggled against everything that i’ve ever known for the past few years, looking back to the brighter past that i shut out not because of the happy memories, but mostly because of the sad ones. rewinded myself to 5years ago, and asked myself along the way, has it really been that long?
struggling, beating myself up, struggling some more.
and then i met you.
with you, i was that bright happy girl 5years ago.
with you, i can be myself without hiding.
until now, cause i can’t tell you how i feel about you.
with you, i’m free to be happy, smile and laugh.
with you, i’m free to cry on your shoulder, in your embrace.
until now, cause i don’t know where i stand.
with you, i am free. i am me.
but i’m slowly losing you.
and breaking my own heart.
my heart, it lays unsettled. i’m unsure of what road i want to take, though i know what i should do. it’s just a question of how ready i am to let go of something that probably wasn’t mine in the first place.
how ready am i, to break my own heart?
you’ve unknowingly found your way into every part of my life.
and i’ve unknowingly made you my pillar of strength.
and now, i don’t know if i have the courage to take a step back.
because i don’t want to walk away.