Didn’t blog for most of the month because I was really busy with a lot of things that were on hand. The year just started, but things are getting tougher and tougher. Sometimes I feel that I’m slowly losing motivation, especially when it comes to studies because I’m not really doing my most favourite subjects this semester, other than religion. Everything’s not my forte, and sometimes it’s hard especially when you don’t exactly want an education at NUS. Many will say that I’m foolish, but those who really know me will understand why. Feel free to judge though, that’s your basic human right.
I guess I’m blogging tonight because I feel troubled (other than the fact that I have a midterm tomorrow). The other things in my life have been going quite smoothly (other than my education), I got into choir against all odds. I’m dancing on a regular basis (every Friday, 7:30pm at Oschool). I’m learning how to spend a lil’ more time with my girls despite my every growing over-scheduled schedule. I’m learning how to sacrifice and serve even more in the cell group, and even have desires to rise up (though I’m not sure if that’s my path). Any way you look at it, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, I’m stronger than I’ve been compared to last year.
But I’m still troubled. Troubled because I feel that I’m not motivated enough at times. Troubled because I keep feeling that I’m not doing enough, that there’s more that I can do. But I’m afraid of massively over-scheduling myself, and burning out. Troubled because my plans to go to SOT this year didn’t come true. Troubled because it’s a diversion from what I thought was “the plan” that God had. Troubled that sometimes I still am not a very good Christian. Troubled that I constantly give in to temptation. Troubled because I don’t have many people around me who can encourage me positively.
And the most troubling trouble of all, R. It’s coming to the end of February. Two months. Two whole months. I’ve not skyped. I’ve not emailed. I’ve not called. No contact, from my side. But he never gives up. Facebook, deleted. Twitter, unfollowed. Heart, transferred ownership. And, I still feel this way when I read his emails. Westpoint, now Chinese. He never fails to amaze me. But my heart, belongs to somewhere else already.
I must overcometh. The victory that overcometh.
It’s slowly becoming clearer and clearer. I still don’t know exactly what I’ll be doing, but I know that this general direction that I’m taking is the right one. Chasing my dreams, one by one. Growing in my passions, bit by bit. The future is really bright, I can see it somewhat now. And, this is just the beginning. I’m starting to look at things differently, evaluating things differently, even looking at men with a different criteria all together. Because I want to be the best that I can be, doing the best that I can do with the best partner there is for me to support me through.
The industry is tough, fatal even. It’s based on a superficial kind of beauty, but its content runs deep into the lives and souls of every human being. The results will be used for the greatest causes that I can think of. And of course, at the end of the day, I just want to be doing something that I flourish in.
Now, future husband, are you ready to put down your ego and support your beautiful wife? ((:
Choir auditions was today, and boy was I going crazy with those nerves. Drowned about a bottle and a half of pipakao cause i was so damn nervous. On the way there people were tweeting and messaging me “goodluck” and that i would do well etc. Really thank God for all of you cause you probably helped calm my nerves here and there. ((:
At JW’s level4, everyone there seemed so like, awesome that I felt like an amateur. But I think I did quite well. Didn’t really shake as much as I thought I would. Thank God for that! It’s been over for a few hours already, but I’m still really nervous, no longer about the audition, but about whether I’ll be able to get in.
Wheeps. Anyways, this is my first post from my iP4! ((; yeaps. finally got it. not bothering to wait for the iP5 cause my iP3 was in a horrendous state already!
Bunnies have always had a furry part of my heart reserved for them, along with other furry pets like dogs. 50minutes into the start of a “new year”, albeit the Chinese one. I’m taking it as a second chance for me. January was a “trial run” of what I wanted to do in the year. I kicked off some of my resolutions, failed in some of them already, and totally couldn’t keep up with others. Now that I kinda know where I stand in terms of how much I can progress and the determination I have, I’m realigning my goals to a better suited pace for myself, and trying to keep the goals as realistic as possible. It’s also a test of determination in certain parts of my life and I’m gonna be ready. ((:
So, HAPPY LUNAR NEW YEAR EVERYONE. have a hopping good year ahead. ❤
PS. it’s not always that i do quiet time talking to God, in fact i rarely do quiet time because i can’t quieten myself enough to sit in one place and just soak in the presence. but i realize that He finds different ways to talk to me, just as i have found some ways to talk to Him. it’s a relationship afterall, and who says we can only talk to each other during quiet time? ((: i’ve always been asking Him, what’s happening? what about that dream that i had, will it come to pass? i’m always very anxious, always pressuring myself to improve quickly so that i can fulfill that destiny. but, He’s told me that we’re taking this journey slow. going slower, i see and learn more things – and that in itself is a process that i need to go through in order to succeed.
we taking it a notch higher, a notch lower. all in His timing.