6 years in primary school
4 years in secondary school
2 years in junior college
3rd year of university,
and i can’t find a single ruler in my room. LEGEND.
are always labors of love.
and every week, i cry for chuck and blair. because a similar thing happens to me. though we don’t hate each other, we’re destroying each other in our own way. together, we were invincible. he was the one who was always sitting at the front row, listening to me sing, watching me dance, taking away my stage fright. and i was always at the front row, cheering his victory and praying for his safety.
we issue kisses of death because we love each other too much.
but it’s alright because i love the way you lie.
but, only by God’s grace am i still alive, and recovering. not that many people care anyway. i’m still having headaches constantly, but at least their magnitude and consistency is not as high and frequent as before. but through this near-death experience, i got to see that family is not necessarily the place you find warmth or hope in. i also got to see that the group of people who don’t really look like they care actually do. i got to know who my real friends are, those who really care for you genuinely. i am a person who won’t talk much about my problems, i just blog about them, so only the people who really bother to read this place know exactly what’s going on in my life. everyone else who doesn’t know, or doesn’t bother asking were those whom i now know are people who are not genuine.
and not only am i glad that this period has led me to know who really cares, but also it’s given me a new perspective on things, and another aspect of life that i can write about in my music – death. it’s not morbid, it’s part and parcel of life. and i, am going through life, thinking about death (that’ll come in probably another 80years).
music, never lies.
music, is experience.
music, changes perspective.
music, is my life.
dance, my spirit.
love, my soul.
and God, my everything.
you always blame him for the current situation even after so many years of telling me that he’s unreliable. shouldn’t you have learnt your lesson at least 6-7 years ago, just as i have learnt that no matter how many promises you make, you are still as unreliable.
everyone in this world has someone like you, but unlike you, they give their everything unconditionally to ensure that the person like me in their life doesn’t suffer.
obviously, if this life really were an incarnation, i must have owed you a lot in my previous life. but because i do not believe in reincarnations, i feel that i’m just unlucky to have been assigned to you.
God has his reasons, but i’m not enjoying this suffering one bit. i try to live above it as much as possible. but you make it harder every single day.
i really don’t deserve this.
and i need a f****** good night out with alcohol and the dancefloor.
at moments like this, where i am literally on the brink of death and you don’t care, i really don’t think i should stay in this space. it just makes me wish my deathbed is the bed i’m lying on.
i’m at my wits end, and you just keep making the situation worse. i wanna breakout of this neverending circle so that i can finally not worry about anything.
if one day you read this and realize that it’s about you, all i have as advise is, start being more responsible.
by Sam Tsui
“i don’t wanna fall out,
but we’re all out of time.”
same here, i don’t want an ending to certain things in life. but sometimes, it’s not me who makes the decision as to where it starts and ends. like Sheares Hall, i decided when i started, they decided when it ended. and like my father, my birth started everything, but he chose the ending. and like my mother, no matter how much i reach out, she doesn’t care. no matter how well i do in school, she’s never proud. no matter how talented i am, she’ll never support nor encourage me.
i don’t want an ending. but, the countdown wasn’t started by me. and in some aspects, i’m really tired. i’m tired of chasing after unknown hope and dreams. i’m tired of the countless cuts, bruises and injuries that i sustain – all self-inflicted by the people who made me.
i don’t want an ending, but i’m tired. and hurt. and abused.
only God and probably time can change it.
life at this point of time is like me being trapped in a box where all four sides are closing in on me. i’m facing crisis on every front of my life, and sometimes, it gets me down. i’m sorry if i’m referring to my life in certain war terms, but currently, a war is being waged against me, and i’m seemingly on the losing end.
or, at least that’s what i thought before.
the Church has been going through a crisis for the past 5months, and myself, probably since i started university life. crisis after crisis after, well, crisis.
i lost Faith, found it, lost it again.
and finally, I’ve found Faith and God.
but that’s when the big boys come out to play, when you’ve found Faith and God. and i’m not perfect, so sometimes, i find myself in disbelief. i doubt myself and ask, would i be better not having Faith. there are also times when i miss that life – parties from wednesday to sunday, booze and boys, crazy antics that i would never do if sober because i’d be too rational to.
but the last few months, probably the last 3months after coming back from Cambodia, have been the best days of my life. i lost a lot, for sure. but i gained a lot as well.
and right now, life at this point right now is absolutely horrendous. but the messages from the pulpit, be it cellgroup or service have been keeping me alive. they tell me that all’s not lost, and that it’s still possible, because even if God doesn’t pull me out, he’ll give me the grace to live above all these.
life as i know it, is slowly changing. and as i change, and commit and confess, i’m believing that my conversion will come, soon.
God, i know my life on this earth is not over yet because i haven’t fulfilled what i’ve been placed on this earth to do for You.