Monthly Archives: September 2010

Mornings.

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freezing cold night, insomnia.
a timely message just as i thought of you.

even America couldn’t have timed it half as well as you did.

but these days,
i don’t believe in coincidences or fate anymore. there’s no more room to believe in fairytales, no matter how childish, immature and juvenile i may act.

it is, afterall, an act. life’s hardened me before my time. but no one knows my stories and assumes the best (or worse) of me.

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The Last Stand.

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And there it goes. I’ve made my last stand and am ready to crumble. Made it to the train station, and only embarassment kept the tears away.

And this is really my last stand, cause in 6weeks time, everything’s gonna change, even the current status quo.

The last stand, the most painful, eternal goodbye.

Club Will Never Handle Me.

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Supposed to be clubbing right now at Phuture with my girls. Finally back in Singapore for an extended period of time, and I just wanna party with my girls, cause I totally miss them wayyy too much. Also, it’s partly because the house is too quiet, and I’m always home alone. And, well, another part is because my heart’s broken into a million pieces that only dance and music, time and God will heal. For now, I opt for the dance and the music.

Had an awesome night with some of the councillors though, definitely don’t regret it. Definitely glad that I moved on, but made an effort to stay back as well. 29th, no matter who and where they are, will always be my friends for life. If they ever need me, I’ll be there for them. Because they were one of the first few groups of people that I call “family”.

Heart, is finding for something/someone new to focus on. But, nothing much is happening because some things are hard to let go. Even if there wasn’t anything in the first place, even if that feeling wasn’t one of liking. Why so many people think I like him, I don’t understand. But, let them think whatever they want. My heart is breaking for another reason altogether.

I miss America. I miss a Skater. I miss. I miss having him around.
And it doesn’t help that I miss a Singaporean. I miss having him there for me.

Everyone’s left/is leaving me. Everyone that matters.
Well, either that or they find something/someone new.

They say it’s finally time someone take care of me.
But, I’m still taking care of myself.

Doesn’t make a difference.
Or maybe, my heart’s buried too deep inside my defenses.
And no one’s bothering to tear them down because no one cares enough.

Club can’t, and will never be able to handle me. As long as the status quo continues, I’ll believe that only the club can handle whatever sh*te I throw. Sure, that rocker may slowly be creeping into my heart, but nothing will happen until.

Nothing will happen.
Club, shawty gonna burn your dancefloor.

The Perfect Date

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One day, I want to go out with the (currently unknown) boy of my dreams. We’ll browse quaint music shops at ann siang hill or haji lane (okay, and he’ll have to shop around a little with me. alright, maybe a lot), or the huge music CD shops like HMV, Gramaphone etc. and we’ll pick up random CDs of random singers/bands and get each other to sing any song from that particular singer/band. (:

We’ll have nice meals in restaurants that we like, like the quaint places that i’ve always dreamt of dining at, main course and ice wine.

And we’ll spend the night listening to good music by the river, free concerts on the bay or just walking around making music ourselves.

Of course, this is not the perfect date itself. Perfection comes cause I’m with the person I love, doing the things we love. That, in any situation, is perfection.

Late Night Confessions

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If, you read my blog, welcome to my world. It’s starting to get scary, this world I’m in, and I am getting scared cause I’m slowly becoming lonlier and lonlier. The stronger you are, the less people there are around you because they assume you don’t need help. In my case, I’m forcing myself to be stronger because circumstances have changed, people have been added to the equation, and I don’t want to be the root of any evil.

Drama-free is all I want. But unfortunately, that is not what I get. Early morning full out lawyer-styled arguments, clashes with authority and the authorities, heartbreaking news that just keeps coming, health issues that never seem to stop no matter how much i take care of myself.

And the best is, no one to share the details with. Lost everyone I could/want to turn to. It’s just me, the music and the dance.

Now all the more I wanna get this throat better and sing in my best states. Now all the more I wanna get this ankle better and dance the nights away in the quiet studios.

Music, Dance, my last physical solaces. I have God, yes. But he’s not physical. I can’t touch him, hold him. He is a presence that cannot literally hug me back. I feel his warmth, but there’s no physical flesh.

And if you still haven’t realized, my strongest love language is physical touch .

But there are times when dance and music are no longer my solace cause all I see is the blood in the sink. And I fear that the worst is yet to be.

Devil can’t touch me without God’s permission, but it seems that God has already given more than ample permission to the Devil.

Faith is tested, & i shall come forth as gold.