Monthly Archives: August 2010

Sheares.

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Just got down to finishing my powerpoint and report for the upcoming AGM, which I still have no idea if I’ll be able to attend. And really, so many sentiments come just flowing through me. I miss living in a block with another 108 people (wait, 109 to be exact. *SMILES*) and having late night suppers, crashing random people’s room, and just going around disturbing everyone and no one in particular.

Life’s taken a turn and I’m on another path right now. But I still miss the Eekers. I still miss Sheares. & always will. Cause no matter who stays within those four walls, they’ll always be family, bound together by our love and loyalty to our beloved SH.

Chinese.

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My spoken Chinese sucks.
Not that I didn’t actually realize it before.
But suddenly, it seems so important that I’m able to speak.

Why can’t we just write Chinese all day long instead of speak it?
Fine, it’s my fault that I can’t pronounce my words properly and all.
But at least I’m trying, so don’t cut me down on points for effort alright.

It’s so tough speaking Chinese.
I need a tuition teacher, ASAP!
Or, not.

Unwritten.

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No matter how much you want to sound positive, sometimes things just happen too many times, repeatedly, the vicious cycle. I’ve said a million and one positive things to myself. But all it takes is just one word, one action, to override everything that has been said and done. And that’s when I just go into my pain overdrive mode, and start killing myself all over again. Pain counters pain, there’s no better pain killer than pain itself. And I run into the world that everyone hates me to go into.

I know you hate it when I do. Don’t lie. I see your judgmental eyes. I see stares of disappointment. I feel glares that look at me thinking that there is no hope. I see everything that you think I do not see. I hear everything you don’t want me to hear. I remember everything you want me to forget. I’m too observant for my own good. I know every look, every sound, every movement made by the people near me. It’s my greatest blessing, and my greatest curse.

I’m glad that for some reason, God still sees me fit to help some other people, giving me back my gifts for that limited time when I need to use them. And suddenly, I remember how it feels like to be so powerful because of Him. Suddenly I remember how it feels like to intercede on another’s behalf. I remember the power of prayer. Even if just for that moment, thank you God for being willing to believe in me, in my ability to take on your gifts to alleviate the sufferings of another soul. I may not be the best person to do so, but thank you for giving me the strength to.

If only I had that much faith in myself.

But I prefer to drown myself in my music, my dance, my song. It’s so much easier because I don’t need to believe. I just need to walk on, dance on, sing on. On my own strength, and that’s where I slowly kill myself and feel the pain. Physical pain over emotional pain, any time of the day. Break my limbs and I’ll still dance. Steal my voice and I’ll still sing. Close my ears and the music’s still in my head.

But break my heart, and I’ll break yours. And for some people, you’ve broken my heart too many times for me to even see where the bits of your heart are anymore. And that’s why you’ve disappeared from my life. And that’s why I’m trying to erase all the memories of you. It’s really so freakin’ true that money can do anything. It can erase your memories, give you a new identity, and make you someone new.

And for all that’s unwritten here. It’s written in the sands of time, now and forever.

Dreams.

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Alone at home, been in bed all day. Nothing much interesting to say ‘cept that I missed BS & some great outdoor time with N415. Just woke up not too long ago, and the fever’s gone. I’m still drowsy but that’s about all that’s left. Gonna get drowsier later cause there’s more medicine to take. Irritating max.

But the whole day of sleeping brought loads of dreams. I kept dreaming of a perfect world, where he loves me and he loves me. All my friends are with me and we have fun all day. I create my own house, my perfect garden. The four seasons happen all in one day, everyday. I think, limbo is a place that will be perfect for me. Inception’s limbo that is. So that I can be my own dreamer, my own architect, my own person. But then again, living in this world has its advantages I guess.

I’m thinking of relieving some pain tonight. Club, can’t even handle me right now.

You, & You.

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Though I’m currently heavily medicated and woozy, I know what I’m doing cause I spent the last hour on the phone, trying to persuade someone to stop having his life revolve around what I want, or what I would like him to do. You, you gotta stop trying and start understanding that I’ve already said No. Maybe in the future, the answer to all your questions will be Yes. But for now, it’s No. Please. don’t leave such a decision to me. It’s your life. Your mum is worried, and honestly, so am I. You’re already doing what you’re good, no excellent at. So then why would you give all of that up just because of something I mentioned. Even if you did become that person, it doesn’t guarantee that I’ll say yes, and that’s the honest truth.

And You, the one whom I’ve always ran to. I’m sad. I tried to call you so many times last night. But perhaps it was just my bad luck, that I caught you at a bad time, or that my phone’s not working. You never answered. I needed you so badly, because my world crashed once again. But then again, I bet you’ll never know. Cause you probably won’t see this. I still want to believe that what you once said to me was true, that even if the sky was falling down, you’d be here to carry it for me. Or maybe you’ve forgotten what you said, just like you forget all the things that you tell me. Or maybe you’ve forgotten that there’s me. Distance doesn’t matter? I used to believe that. But now, I don’t know what to believe anymore. I don’t want to believe anymore. But foolishly I still do because there’s nothing else and no one else that I can trust or turn to. I tried, believe me I did. You once told me that I should open up to others, that she wanted to be a part of my life as well. I tried. I tried. But, I couldn’t. I’m still trying, but I can’t be alone, just not now.

My world is crashing down as news just keeps dropping in front of me. Sometimes I feel that I’m already numb to it because the same thing happens again and again and again. Sometimes I go back to a place where all the worst things happened to me, because I want to re-live the pain. Nothing beats going through the pain silently one more time. It gives me a new vengeance, and another reason to keep on breathing on this earth for another day. Maybe I am one screwed up, psycho bitch. And that’s why every single day, I can go through life so happily. Because in the day, that bubbly person is the only way I keep myself alive. And at night, it’s the pain that keeps me sane.

Fathers, be good to your daughters. Daughters will love like you do.
Girls become lovers, who turn into mothers. So mothers be good to your daughters too.

So true. I love John Mayer. He sings the truth, my truth. Daughters. Heartbreak Warfare. It speaks of the truths that I need to hear, want to hear and hope that it comes true in my life. But, it won’t. At least not for now. God, do we really have to go through this process again? Suffering from the age of 10 till now. It’s been 11 years. I’ve had happier times, I admit. But every time I’ve found my happy place just for a split-second, and then it’s gone. Because you move me away. Because you want me to grow. But God, it’s too much for me to handle right now. I don’t want to break away. I want to continue the upward climb. But, can you leave my happiness with me for a little more than a split-second. That’s all I’m asking. A little more time in paradise before you throw me back into the dessert okay?

And West Point, do it for yourself. Don’t do it for me.