Second consecutive post of the day cause I don’t want to clog up one post. Guess there’s been a lot of learning taking place in the last two days. I realized that everytime I share a secret with X, somehow I grow again because my mind is released from the pressure of locking that secret in. Thanks many times over X, for always being there for stupid little me, especially at 2am in the morning. I know you were probably tired, and you still had to deal with me and my nonsense. Dropped the secret that I’ve been keeping for the past close to three months I guess. A friend, it’s always a friend. Maybe I’m just unlucky enough to meet people like that, and am always compromised when I’m sober. These are really the seriously FML moments, not those rhetorical nonsense that people share about on FML.com or other similar websites. But, my story is one that is not one that will be shared here. Sharing it with X has already compromised my pride, or whatever is left of it. You asked who would trust you with your secrets, I would. I trust you with my life too. And possibly my heart too, but only till I find someone worthy enough to have it all of his life, who’ll protect it till death do us part.
Couldn’t make it for my new Friday cellgroup meeting time this week cause I had to work on government service (and I’m still considering signing on at this particular moment) till late. Contemplated with the thought of not going for cellgroup at all because it’s been a tiring week. But thank God for Karen, who accompanied me to another cellgroup yesterday night. And, thank God I went for cellgroup cause, I learned something very important about love. Something of a revelation to me. Something that I think rings very true in my secular context, but not so much in my spiritual context.
After we heard the CGL share the story, Karen turned to me and said “why does it sound so familiar?” and so, I shall share the story in my own context. For people who’ve know me long and well enough, you’d know that I love to dance. I danced three times week on the average, even during the semester time. Practices with Sheares Dance, outside classes with some outstanding instructors. Dance, was and still is my life. I’ve been injured from it God knows how many times, but I still continue to dance. Even when it hurts, even when I’ve just recovered, even if I’m still recovering, even when I can’t walk properly. I do it so much of the time that Kor is always threatening to put me in a wheelchair (which I adamantly whine to him that I will not use and just run away instead). But, no matter what happens, I just continue dancing and dancing and dancing. Even now, with my injuries, I can’t go for dance lessons anymore. But in my own room, where my own little dance studio is, I dance. Simply because, I love dancing.
And just like dance, where I get injured during practice and concerts, sometimes, the things or people that we love may hurt us. But, we still continue doing those things that hurt us or believing in those people, simply because we love them. Like dance, like X, and now, I wanna add, like God. His plans are bigger than I can ever imagine, like what the preachers the past two weeks have been emphasizing. And, I am so small that I only see the plans that He has for me in the now, the one limitation that I have as human. And most of the time, I don’t understand why things happen the way they happen. At times, they are so fc*ked up. At times, they are so frustrating. At times, humiliating. At times, every emotion available all at once.
Seriously. It’s freakin’ scary, some of the things that happen. And there are many times where I just want to give up because I’ve been hurt so much by these “plans”, that may or may not be of God. I always thought that God had the ability to stop things from happening, but obviously, some screwed up things were in his plan for me, and I being human and being woman cannot take these kind of plans lying down. I doubt, I anger, and all the trust and love that I built up for Him all those years shattered. Thankfully, God had a plan and He sent someone to bring me back to His house, but sometimes, it takes more than just being back to understand the things that happen.
I still won’t understand why. Sometimes I still blame, and I definitely will need a long, long time to forgive. But, that’s where love’s gotta come in, right? Cause no matter how much He lets me down, I still love Him. Everyone says, or preaches that God is always by your side, He’ll never leave you nor forsake you. That’s something that I sometimes struggle to believe. But, if I love, I’ll just have to believe it wholeheartedly, despite what I know in the flesh.
You know, I can make so much sense here. But it’s hard to actually talk this kind of sense into my own brain when I’m emotional and hurting. Right now, I’m going through a period of calm and peace. But in a few days, who knows what I’ll be feeling. So I guess, I just gotta press this down so that in a few days/months/years when I’m feeling what I felt on Thursday morning, I’ll be able to look back and see.
Sitting down is not an option. Love is.