Monthly Archives: July 2010

Hiatus.

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Been wanting to press so badly, but the medicine and all have been keeping me from pressing properly. Have a half-written post on Inception and another one on pre-Phuket. hopefully they go up in time before I fly off. (: much love to my readers, whoever you are. I’m doing quite okay, my food hasn’t been staying in my tummy much, the medicine makes me drowsy. So yeah, that’s about the whole story of the last few days.

xoxo
QRX.

Things We Leave Unsaid

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Pressing from the phone, again. Cause I’m super tired and I just wanna press from the comfort of my bed that hasn’t been slept in for the last 48hours. It was a crazy feat, I know. But I just wanted to be able to get to church on time. It was a necessary sacrifice for the house of God; and I’m glad that I was able to “wake up” for service because I was blessed. The word was totally something that described me. I thank my someone for saving me from death, but I’m still in a multitude of sin, less than before though.

You asked if I was alright, and I really wanted to tell you the truth that I was feeling totally sick, that I’ve been sick the last few days. But, something held me back. All the things that I wanted to say were left unsaid because it seems that you’ve become too far away. And I don’t want to become a burden, and I don’t want you to become a habit.

So many things I want to say to you, so many things I want to do, like whine in your arms, or feel you just rest your hand on my head, on my shoulder, give you the food that I’ll never finish or just get a pat from you.

But, but… these, and more are all the things that I’ve left unsaid.

Good night world.

Sodom, the City of Sin.

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Pressing from my phone again cause tonight, I’m working in Sodom, the City of Sin. Well, it’s not literally a city, but it’s the one place in my life that I see all the crazy, wrong things happening.

When I started working here at the age of 19, I was seriously a doe-eyed wonder. Sure, I wasn’t that innocent to not know the sins that are being committed in the world, but this was the one place that I saw it all happen. Being a sociologist, this is one of the places that I love to people watch even when I’m supposed to be working. And having sharp ears is an advantage because I hear the stories of many people.

Now that I’m 21, I’ve been working on and off at this place. It’s always a wonder to me. Things that I see still amaze me, things that I hear still scare me. And being older, I’ve seen more of the world on my own and slowly, this place just becomes a congregation of all the sins that I know.

Christians reading this will probably go, ” so why in the world are you still working there? ” with all the alcohol, the scandals, the things that you only read in newspapers and magazines. I’ll simply be honest and tell you that this place makes me remember humanity. Sometimes after being surrounded by too many “thou art holy” kind of people, this place saves me and my sanity. I will honestly admit that many a times, I’m still of the world. A lot of times, I still look to my old ways to deal with my problems because it’s so much easier.

” but you’re supposed to be Christian! “, yes, I am. But, I just wanted a place where I can get in touch with a world I once knew and belong to. It’s a look back into my past, one that I sometimes still dive into when things get bad and out of control. But, it’s also a reminder of what I don’t wanna be.

This place is a blessing and a curse I guess. And maybe, I’m just like Lot’s wife, and this is the place where I turn into a pillar of salt. The only difference is that unlike Lot’s wife, I get a second chance at life everytime I step out of this place.

It reminds me how blessed I am, and how unholy I still am. Change takes time, and at least I still have a place where I can safely dive into one of the most dangerous places.

You may not agree with me, but I don’t need you to. I just need you to accept me for who I am, the good, the bad, the ugly. And to believe in me that one day, this place will disappear from my life, someday soon. And to be here for me whenever I fall; so that I won’t run to this place so often.

It’s not easy to tell when I’ve fallen cause I smile so often. But I believe, I just wanna believe that there’ll be someone out there who understands and looks beyond the smiles.

Wounds.

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No matter how deep a wound, if taken care of properly, minimal scarring will occur. But almost nothing that you do can make the scar go away. It made fade with the years, it made fade with constant care. But nothing you say or do can deny the fact that it was once there, and always will be. It’s true for physical wounds.

And it still rings true for emotional wounds. The only difference is that physical wounds need Vitamin E to fade the scars. Emotional wounds need love to help fade those same scars.

But, love is something I can afford to give, but not receive.

Pressing It.

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Last post of the night before I stop pressing for the day (or rather night, cause it’s already the “next day”). Pressing about things on my blog doesn’t mean that I’ll be okay right after. It just means that things are finally making sense. But the more sense I press on my blog, the more fragile I become because many people will expect me to logically act and think after coming to these conclusions. But, most people are wrong. The more sense I blog, the more I will shut down/lock up emotionally from sharing because I always think that people will expect me to already be alright.

Having a revelation or learning something is not equivalent to being “alright”.
In fact, it might be a deeper abyss that I’m digging.

I know all these for a fact, because it happened three years ago.
Saying “I’m Okay” meant digging deeper into a grave.

But this time round, I’ll try to keep myself open.
I’ll try, I’m trying.

Love*

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Second consecutive post of the day cause I don’t want to clog up one post. Guess there’s been a lot of learning taking place in the last two days. I realized that everytime I share a secret with X, somehow I grow again because my mind is released from the pressure of locking that secret in. Thanks many times over X, for always being there for stupid little me, especially at 2am in the morning. I know you were probably tired, and you still had to deal with me and my nonsense. Dropped the secret that I’ve been keeping for the past close to three months I guess. A friend, it’s always a friend. Maybe I’m just unlucky enough to meet people like that, and am always compromised when I’m sober. These are really the seriously FML moments, not those rhetorical nonsense that people share about on FML.com or other similar websites. But, my story is one that is not one that will be shared here. Sharing it with X has already compromised my pride, or whatever is left of it. You asked who would trust you with your secrets, I would. I trust you with my life too. And possibly my heart too, but only till I find someone worthy enough to have it all of his life, who’ll protect it till death do us part.

Couldn’t make it for my new Friday cellgroup meeting time this week cause I had to work on government service (and I’m still considering signing on at this particular moment) till late. Contemplated with the thought of not going for cellgroup at all because it’s been a tiring week. But thank God for Karen, who accompanied me to another cellgroup yesterday night. And, thank God I went for cellgroup cause, I learned something very important about love. Something of a revelation to me. Something that I think rings very true in my secular context, but not so much in my spiritual context.

After we heard the CGL share the story, Karen turned to me and said “why does it sound so familiar?” and so, I shall share the story in my own context. For people who’ve know me long and well enough, you’d know that I love to dance. I danced three times week on the average, even during the semester time. Practices with Sheares Dance, outside classes with some outstanding instructors. Dance, was and still is my life. I’ve been injured from it God knows how many times, but I still continue to dance. Even when it hurts, even when I’ve just recovered, even if I’m still recovering, even when I can’t walk properly. I do it so much of the time that Kor is always threatening to put me in a wheelchair (which I adamantly whine to him that I will not use and just run away instead). But, no matter what happens, I just continue dancing and dancing and dancing. Even now, with my injuries, I can’t go for dance lessons anymore. But in my own room, where my own little dance studio is, I dance. Simply because, I love dancing.

And just like dance, where I get injured during practice and concerts, sometimes, the things or people that we love may hurt us. But, we still continue doing those things that hurt us or believing in those people, simply because we love them. Like dance, like X, and now, I wanna add, like God. His plans are bigger than I can ever imagine, like what the preachers the past two weeks have been emphasizing. And, I am so small that I only see the plans that He has for me in the now, the one limitation that I have as human. And most of the time, I don’t understand why things happen the way they happen. At times, they are so fc*ked up. At times, they are so frustrating. At times, humiliating. At times, every emotion available all at once.

Seriously. It’s freakin’ scary, some of the things that happen. And there are many times where I just want to give up because I’ve been hurt so much by these “plans”, that may or may not be of God. I always thought that God had the ability to stop things from happening, but obviously, some screwed up things were in his plan for me, and I being human and being woman cannot take these kind of plans lying down. I doubt, I anger, and all the trust and love that I built up for Him all those years shattered. Thankfully, God had a plan and He sent someone to bring me back to His house, but sometimes, it takes more than just being back to understand the things that happen.

I still won’t understand why. Sometimes I still blame, and I definitely will need a long, long time to forgive. But, that’s where love’s gotta come in, right? Cause no matter how much He lets me down, I still love Him. Everyone says, or preaches that God is always by your side, He’ll never leave you nor forsake you. That’s something that I sometimes struggle to believe. But, if I love, I’ll just have to believe it wholeheartedly, despite what I know in the flesh.

You know, I can make so much sense here. But it’s hard to actually talk this kind of sense into my own brain when I’m emotional and hurting. Right now, I’m going through a period of calm and peace. But in a few days, who knows what I’ll be feeling. So I guess, I just gotta press this down so that in a few days/months/years when I’m feeling what I felt on Thursday morning, I’ll be able to look back and see.

Sitting down is not an option. Love is.

How a Funeral Worked Its Way Into My Summer.

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Wow, I think I have wayy too many things on my mind to blog today. Gonna try to update everything cause, it’s just been a happening two days, both the good, the happy and of course, the sad. Maybe I should start with today. Got up really early this morning and made my way to a Catholic church to send a good friend off. Personally, I’m not Catholic and I was quite lost in all the hymn singing and response reading. But the entire time, I refused to open my mouth to talk to anybody, cause I knew that if I did, I’d be crying buckets. He was a good friend, someone whom I could count on being there when I needed help with hall stuff, maths stuff, or just anything under the sun I guess. I never really confided in him or anything, but he was the type of friend that would just be there.

To send a friend off makes me want to cherish my life even more. In some people’s eyes, especially to the older generation or the extremely religious, I’ve been wasting my life away. I beg to differ that I’ve been “wasting” my life, but I know that I haven’t been living it up to its fullest. It’s really been a great holiday, this summer. Went to Tioman with my bestie to watch the stars and basically just spend quality time with her that we lack during the term time. Went to Cambodia and saw a different side of the world, where both affluence and poverty reside next to each other, literally. Once again realized that sometimes it’s the simplest things in life that can make you happy, like the smile of a child, or the hug of a friend. Came back to Singapore, where life became complicated again. Forced to grow up, forced to face things that I never really wanted to face, forced to question the things that I never really wanted to question. Saw a little of the working world, and how uncolourful it can be. Made great friends, made new friends. A funeral. And in less than two weeks, Phuket.

Eulogies from friends that I’ve never met showed me even more sides of my friend, gave me even more insights into who he was. And, yes he was consistently like the person that I knew of. I think what one of them said was very true, we are all left with many questions about how and why he died, but we respect his decision and hope that ┬áhe’s happier some place far, far away together with God and His angels.

And I wonder, what kind of friend am I? What kind of friend will I be remembered as? Who will cry for me if I died? I honestly don’t know because in this world, I’ve got so many friends. The closer ones I’ve found to be true, like X once asked me “Do you see who are the ones who are left behind? Do you now know who are the ones who will stay by your side?” Of course I do, I’m not that dense. But, other friends. Who will they remember me as? Will they even remember me? I’m always very afraid that no one will be with me at the end of my days. But those are the days when I lose faith in mankind, in general (yes, it happens).

But, a friend’s death has made me think of so many things. Coupled with the many lessons from Cambodia. I think it’s been a meaningful summer. Though the price to pay was high, wayy too high for me to comprehend. But then again, there are too many things that happen that we cannot comprehend. Sometimes I wish we could, but God has His own set of plans. Sometimes I don’t agree with those plans, but who I am to say anything to the God Almighty, and who am I to question that which He has already set in place.

The fabric of 2010’s summer is rich.
In experiences, in memories.